Seeing MY Light within MY Darkness

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I received an email response this morning that I felt I needed to address.

Well, the cover page of that face saddens me.  It is so dark.  And although I know you feel that way, how can you feel the “light” if your page constantly shows the darkness?  In my opinion, that face should be changed to a “new” one as you progress though these positive stages of your life.  This is an “old” picture and needs to be updated!  :). Like I said.  That is my opinion.  I know for myself, looking at it, reminds me of my past darkest hours.  I don’t or wouldn’t want that constant reminder.  Something to ponder perhaps! 

Everyone has their own darkness, and everyone sees their own light within that darkness differently.  For me, I find my “light” in the dark and obscure and I have a dark sense of humor.

I can see light IN dark, where all most see is dark. It’s like one single flame within a completely blackened room. My darkness started at birth, being born with a heart defect in which I could have died.

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To shed some light upon the dark, my reminder being the giant scar I still have.

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I researched my defect and wrote about it for a university journalism class. Heart of the Matter is what it became.

I was quite a “happy” child.

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I STILL have my original Lamb Chop puppet, which reminds me of the innocence I once had.

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But there’s been too much dark and hurt that has woven into my life, and that happy child has faded. That doesn’t mean I don’t have happy moments. I think this photo can shed some “light” (haha):

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One side is Grumpy Bear, representing the darkness, sadness, anger and any other dark emotions, and the other side is Olaf, representing the happiness, carefree laughter, childlike goofiness. I was given Olaf during one of my dark times, when I was in the hospital with a really bad broken ankle, by a friend who I’ve known for almost 20 years. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs and she’s currently going through a dark time of her own. But despite her darkness, and despite mine, we try to balance each other out.

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If you look at these two families, they are dark, but obscure, and they are “happy-go-lucky” so to speak but within their own obscure darkness. Two of television’s best families from the ’60s. Loving and caring while being dark and goofy at the same time. Like this photo of me ( A coworker was playing with Snapchat filters) from my staff Christmas party:

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Here’s another one of me holding my Tim Card gift I won. I look mischievous, perhaps because the jello shooters were kicking in…

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I look at this photo of my Uncle and I:

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A reminder of the love between uncle and niece, despite what struggles each may be facing in their lives.

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These two wallets are dark, but they’re beautiful and artistic. For me, they are timeless, frozen within the confines of their own beauty.

I have a fascination with horoscopes as well as tarot and the like.

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This quote may be true, but you need to keep fighting to find reminders of who’s behind the mask. For me, and a lot of others I’m sure, the mask, a lot of the time, is a somewhat neutral smile. I need to find the real happiness beneath the mask, but, it’s hidden somewhere deep within the darkness that’s currently hiding behind the mask.

My own obscurities are shown in the music I listen to, a lot of darkness, not as a reminder of the hurt, but a coping mechanism, the allowance of dark emotion, the sadness and pain but through the tunnel the small flickering light of romantic beauty. Roses have their thorns, but when purchased, many have them cut off as to not injure themselves by an accidental prick. But for me, what is a rose without its thorn? Broken beauty, not its true self.

I recently went for a shopping trip at the lovely VV Boutique (Value Village). The shirts I got make me laugh, and smile (well maybe smirk because it’s me), and I was very happy to purchase them. Finding small flickers within the confines of my dark days are what keep me balanced.

These are my awesome finds:

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(Notice I opted for some much-needed color!)

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My new favorite shirt! Here’s the track that sums up a lot of shit I’ve dealt with:

 

Everyone is different. Just because someone else feels that looking at something that reminds them of their darkest hours is something they wouldn’t want doesn’t mean it’s the same for everyone.

“A mind is like a parachute, it doesn’t work unless it’s open.” – Frank Zappa

A new day will dawn for those who stand strong and the forests will echo with laughter.” -Led Zepplin

I’m surrounded by reminders of my darkness. I can’t get away or avoid them. They are the permanent physical scars on my body, the permanent emotional scars I can’t shed, some of the people I see frequently that I can’t avoid. The “old” photos, are my own reminders that I’ve come so far, that they are a part of me, a part of my darkness, a piece of my soul, something I carry with me, they will always be there. Without them, I believe I wouldn’t be the writer, the artist, the creative soul that I am today.

I thank you for your opinion and insight. It was meant to be genuine loving concern. What came of it, though was inspiration to address the topic. As there are many who may feel the same as you do, and many who feel the same as I.

Again, I thank you! ❤

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