Father daughter relationships can be messy and complicated. Like mine. My dad isn’t a cuddly type. He wasn’t around much, but yet still lived in the same house until I was 16 when my mom and I moved out. Only when I became an adult he seemed to be there for me more.

But, I’ve realized that every small thing he does for me is his way of showing his love. It is the only way he knows how. The good memories are the ones you need to hold onto, no matter how painful the bad ones are.

Like getting my baby teeth pulled out in the garage with his pliers. Or the fact that he BUILT me my own swing-set and playhouse, which had a working doorbell and lights!

When I needed something hemmed, I went to my dad. I mean, how many men do you know (that are straight, and not a designer or something) that can use a sewing machine?

The only moments that I have together with him, are from when I was really young. As I grew older, they faded, and with all the negative things in my life, I became a lot more numb to the meaning of “family.”

Some say that people don’t change. But I believe that people can grow in small ways. It might take a lot to notice.

My dad married a Chinese woman, close to his age, very sweet and caring and what he needed, and makes him happy. He shows affection with her and she’s helped him grow in many ways.

The Chinese culture of Family has really dug in its heels. They believe in family being close-knit and a lot of entire families live in the same house. This email he sent really made me cry, but it shows how much he’s grown.

“I AM SORRY MY DEPARTURE WAS UNSCHEDULED AS IT HAPPENED . AS YOU KNOW YOUR DAD IS NOT MUCH FOR HUGS OR KISSES BUT YOU ALSO KNOW I LOVE YOU AND HOPE FOR THE BEST IN YOUR LIFE . KEEP TO YOUR GOAL PLANS AND BE STRONG AND AS LI WEI SAID TO YOU MAYBE YOU WILL COME TO CHINA AND VISIT ALL OF US .WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT I WILL HELP YOU TO COME VISIT . LATER LOVE DAD”

I’m still having trouble finding the words to respond. It shook me to the core, as he’s never expressed himself this way ever before. When you’re so used to not having that kind of thing expressed to you and then all of a sudden there it is right in front of you, it’s like my heart shattered a bit more. But, I feel it slowly trying to fuse itself back together, and it will in time.

Of course, my way of coping with this was to write about it. To dig out those photos and know that I’ve always been loved by him.

To anyone who may be in the same situation, know that it’s every little thing that makes love grand. You have to find your own way of coping with unexpected expressions, with unexpected departures, with any and all unexpected things.

Holding home
Up in my soul
I am in control
Born on my own

Break down the walls
That keep us all
Flames in waves
So beautiful

–Born On My Own from Silent So Long by Emigrate 

I am my Daddy’s Lil Monster. I’ve embraced the darkness that has enveloped me and used it as my light. I am weird, a warrior, a beautiful young woman, intelligent, with dreams, goals and aspirations. I’ve beaten a lot of bullshit, and continue to fight great battles.